Scars That Won't Fade
by 1mcswarek
Summary: A series of musings (under 1000 words) based on season 4 and prompts. Mainly a look into the inner workings of Andy McNally's head and what she's thinking during s4.
1. Scars That Won't Fade

First of all, it's good to finally be back. No I haven't given up writing for those of you that pm'ed me, I'm still alive! (I had to give up my writing for a short period of time while I had my exams, though)

So basically this story will consist of a series of musings under about 1000 words based on season 4.

I'm accepting prompts for chapters for this story and I actually really need some more, so if you have any ideas just leave them in a review or pm me :)

Sorry, long AN I know.

Prompt: **Memories don't fade, scars won't heal, hearts won't mend. **

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It's entirely possible that she's feeling a small sense of déjà vu. Getting shot while there was someone else next to her, the other person being rushed to hospital while she's completely fine. It makes her wonder if next time she won't be so lucky, if next time it'll be her who ends up in hospital. Also reinforces the fact that she's a trouble magnet. Like she's made of iron and the bullets are attracted to 's where the sense if déjà vu stops, though, because this time, Sam isn't here to protect her. Sam isn't pulling her behind a bus to make sure she's okay. He isn't pushing the hair out if her eyes or brushing his thumb over her skin, like he's checking to make sure she's really there. Instead, instead he's acting completely professional, doing his job. Not that she expected any different, but, it's possible she didn't miss the intense fear in his eyes when he showed up not knowing if it was her or Price that was hit. Nor did she miss the way his features relaxed and his breathing slowed and returned to normal when he saw she was okay. And then - well then his stone cold facade went back up and he made it a point to avoid her at all costs. Which, to be fair, he probably wasn't, but, with Nick hanging around being the one to make sure she was okay, it's possible Sam is looking a little annoyed and aggravated.

She refuses to think back to earlier in the morning, before a sociopath ruined their day by deciding it would be fun to hunt them, when Nick wanted to make their newly acquired status (which, she isn't even sure exactly what their status is at the moment) public. And she was fine with that. She's trying to be less uptight about it all is the thing. They were friends, and now they are friends who see each other naked on a regular basis, no big deal. Only then when he pulled her into interview room 2 she realised that by public he meant public enough that it would be totally okay to schedule in a quicke without anyone asking questions or giving them pointed stares. And still, that's totally fine with her, and then? Then she sees the nail marks in the ledge of the viewing windowsill and remembers exactly_ how_ they got there.

_It was the first time they broke their no sex at work rule, her incredibly wound up after having to finish by herself in the shower when Sam was called in and had to go. This unsatisfying release that left her frustrated and needing more. She was in a real crappy mood that day, not in the frame of mind to deal with Sam or his crap. He called her out on it after Oliver told them they were bickering like an old married couple, and he pulled her into interview room to to ask what the hell was up with her. Only then, the minute he closed the door, her lips were on his and he forgot the reason they were in there in the first place. Truth was, he knew why she was in such a shitty mood. It was the same when they were in bed, and he'd ask to watch her get herself off, and afterwards, she would wrestle him down and sink onto him as she complained about how it was nothing compared to the real thing. So the truth was, he knew _exactly_ why she was acting like this, and so her let her work herself into a bit of a frenzy as she struggled to get them both naked enough to complete the task at hand. Then, when she was wrapped around him and so so close, he turned her around so she had her fingers wrapped around the ledge, and apparently he hit an angle she liked, because the next minute she was desperately trying not to scream his name so the whole station wouldn't hear her as she clenched around him and let go, digging her fingernails into the ledge to help control her noise. Turns out she wasn't very quiet after all, because the minute they exited together (stupid move on both their parts), Oliver was giving them disapproving looks and Jerry kept giving Sam the thumbs up, like way to go buddy, you can't even keep it in your pants at work._

So yeah, today has a sense of déjà vu in more than one way. And she has to keep reminding herself that things are different now, that these little reminders are just that, reminders, part of the past. Part of the building, that they mean absolutely nothing. But truth be told, they Do mean something, because she could quite easily rattle off a list of little things like this. The d's desk with the broken leg, a result of more inappropriate workplace goings on. The broken chair down in maintenance that ended up there after they realised that it couldn't hold both of them, which they discovered after she refused to move from Sam's lap when he wouldn't agree to Chinese for dinner (he wanted Indian, but they had that last week). These memories are forever engrained in her mind, in the place she works, in her life. A reminder that almost all of the happy memories she has are with Sam, and that deep down in her heart, she knows she wants more of these, new memories. New happy memories with Sam.

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So I hope you enjoyed, leave a review to let me know :)

1mcswarek


	2. The Problem With Fire Is It Burns

This one follows 4x09

Prompt: **There was no prompt, I just really needed to rationalize Andy sleeping with Nick**

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And then he's kissing her, mouth wet and warm on hers, and sloppy. And _all_ she can think about is how it's not the same. The same passion. The same anything. Where Sam was desperate, Nick is gentle. Where Sam was all-consuming, nick is barely keeping her attention. And he's sloppy. That's the one thing that won't leave her mind. Sam was never sloppy, no matter what kind of passionate frenzy they were in at the time, Sam always took his time. Like he wanted to savour her, devour her, claim her as only his. His tongue doesn't move in time against hers, not like Sam's did. Then she remembers that currently sam is keeping the bed of another woman warm, and so she _stops_ thinking. Stops doing a mental inventory of the differences between sam and nick. The way his hands are soft where Sam's were calloused. The way sam held her so impossibly close, like he thought if held on tight enough he just might get to keep her forever. She tries _so_ incredibly hard not to think about how this doesn't feel right, because nothing ever feels right since Sam left her, and instead she let's the numbness take over. She thought this would make her Feel something, anything apart from the ever present numbness and fog clouding her brain. She lets him touch her. Doesn't tell him no when he kisses her bellybutton, or pulls too hard on her hair. Doesn't think about how Sam would never do either, because he Knew. Knew what she liked, and what she didn't. She should be surprised about how quickly he figured her out, if it weren't for the fact that she figured his body out pretty fast, too. Something to do with the way she swore when he looked in her eyes, he could see exactly what she was thinking and right into her soul.

She tries desperately not to think about how Sam's ruined her for anyone else. Kind of like asking an ancient Indian Tribe if they're happy living on grubs, and they'll tell you yes. Give them filet mignon and then ask again and all they'll be able to think about is that delicious steak. If you don't know what you're missing out on, you can't miss it. Simple as that.

And when they're done, she lays curled into his chest and tries not to think about how she had to muffle her moans into the pillow, because those moans were sam's name, and not nicks. She doesn't think about how the whole time she imagined it was Sam's hands roaming her skin. She definitively doesn't think about how she thought this would make her feel better. Because it doesn't. The only person that can make it better is Sam, and he left her, so for now, she_ does_ think about surviving. Breathing but barely living. Because there's not a chance in hell she can live without Sam, and being with him isn't an option right now either.

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Leave me a review to let me know if you liked this one :)

AN: There will be a few more chapters to go up in a couple of days that are already written, the more reviews I get the quicker they will go up ;)

1mcswarek


	3. He's Moved On, And She Hasn't

Here's another short one where we get to see inside Andy's head :)

promt:** He's moved on, and she hasn't**

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He's moved on, is what she realises. Head dipped low whispering in Marlo's ear. An inside joke that has this smirk spreading across her face and Andy remembering when that was her in Marlo's position, on the receiving end of one of Sam's not so subtle and outright suggestive comments.

(Thinks back to when the last time that was, her desperately trying to stifle a giggle and hide the deep red blush spreading up her neck and threatening to spill out into her cheeks, as Sam recounted EXACTLY why they were late to parade that shift. Him explicitly explaining how it had NOTHING to do with their morning jog but EVERYTHING to do with other sweaty an exhaustive activities the may have gotten up to)

And it hurts, is the second thing she realises. This deep panicky feeling rising in her chest (the same feeling she used to get right before she went over the edge with him, her on top. A sort of free fall that had her feeling both scared out if her mind and completely invigorated at the same time)

Marlo turns her head and whispers something back. Something that has Sam's eyes going wide and eyebrows shooting up high in his forehead. She hopes to god that Marlo just admitted something stupid like when she was little her only friend was a pet rock called Albert, and nothing to do with what she's wearing under their scratching and synthetic polyester pants. (And should would know how uncomfortable they can be, especially if what you're wearing under them is nothing. The one time she tried that (when they were doing it like rabbits at work and underwear just used to get in the way), she regretted it for a week after. This angry red rash she got that made it sting to run or walk. Sam was good about it, though. Insisted that she let him look at it to see how bad it was, them proceeded to put ice on it. That was BEFORE the feeling of the ice turned her on and the rash was soon forgotten as her had her spread out under him on the gold surface of the hard table in his apartment)

What hurts more, is that she used to be the one to put that expression on his face. Eyes wide, eyebrows high. The one he used to have whenever she would clench around him before whispering his name with a content sigh, and he would have this look on his face like getting her off was some magical party trick, one that left him wondering how he did it every time. Left him surprised that HE was responsible for the almost animal sounds coming out if her mouth, ones she didn't know she could make, until she met him.

The third thing she realises, as Best announces parade is over and Sam walks out with an arm draped casually over her shoulder. He's moved on, and she hasn't.

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Liked it? Hated it? Want more of these? Let me know in a review :)

I'm also looking for some more prompts so if you have any ideas, leave them in a review or pm me :)

1mcswarek


	4. Three Wishes, What Would You do

Here is another short drabble, inspired by the song 3 Wishes by Dave Thomas Junior

prompt: **Three wishes, what would Andy McNally do?  
**

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Three Wishes, What Would You Do?

It's a question she's been asking herself a lot lately, thinking about, ever since Nick asked her back in their shitty cover apartment. long and lonely nights spent playing truth or dare and 20 questions with empty pizza boxes on the floor and them arguing over what to watch like an old married couple. She never answered it back then, but spent the rest of the night thinking about Sam while Nick ran his hands through her hair gently. She tried not to think about how much she wished they were Sam's hands. Also felt kinda bad when she asked Nick the same question, three wishes, what would you do, and he answered with world peace, end world hunger, and he hoped to god Gail would forgive him for what they'd done. Her in the other hand? She was selfish. There was no peace or end to poverty, nope. She couldn't even answer the question then.

Now? Now she still doesn't have a clue. Sometimes she wishes her mother never left, that she grew up in a proper family, buts that's mainly just when she thinks back to when her and San were... Happy. She's sure her commitment issues, no doubt a result of her childhood abandonment, contributed to the demise of her relationship with Sam. She thinks back to when her and San were happy a lot these days. With Sam, everything was different. The sky bluer, the trees greener. God, that sounded so clichéd, but it was true. With Sam, she felt truly happy for the first time in a long time. But, there was also always that niggling feeling in the pit if her stomach, like she was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which, sure enough, it did. Except, it didn't just drop, it slapped her across the face then punched her in the gut while she was down.

Other times, she wishes Jerry never died. Not because of the reasons you might think, and sure that makes her seem like a terrible person but, whatever, she doesn't care too much at the moment. not since everyday feels like running a marathon, only to be told once you get to the finish 'just kidding, there's still another 15km to go'. She wishes Jerry never died so that San never left her, left her standing alone in a parking lot in the rain, her heart in a thousand pieces scattered in the ground.

One thing she knows for sure, is she wishes he didn't look so... happy, an sure, right now she sounds like a self centred bitch, but, she just can't handle seeing that dimpled smile and knowing Marlo was the one that put it there, and not her. If she's being honest with herself it probably has more to do with the fact that it outright HURTS. Stings. Leaves her feeling like the universe has some stupid fucked up plan for her. And yeah, fate and all that, but right now, all that's gotten her is a broken heart and lonely nights at home with her sweats and a microwave pizza, so excuse her for not trusting the big guy or whatever. Seeing them together and realising it took less than six months for him to forget and move on, to know that she meant so little to him, that hurts an unbelievable amount. No one is irreplaceable is a thing she's learnt recently, no matter how special you think you are. It hurts to see how easily he's forgotten her. Forgotten that it used to be her that he would wake up next to. Even forgot how she took her coffee the other day, handed her some black shit in a cup and then apologised when he realised that's how Marlo takes it, realised too late what he'd said - and that? Well that left an empty achy feeling in the place where her heart used to be, _before_ he tore it to pieces. It hurts to know he's so easily put their past behind them, taped up his heart and carries on. Especially when she'll be nursing these scars for the rest of her life.

The third wish? She thought maybe she'd save that one for a rainy day - Or maybe the day Sam leaves her again, takes a piece of her heart with him so no matter how hard she tries, the pieces won't fit back together again. Because god knows she can't stay away, and she knows there is no way in hell she'll survive it when he leaves again. Not after last time.

One thing she knows she'll never wish for though, is that her and Sam are normal, because being a fucked up messy couple is who they are, and she wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. Not even world peace (bitch etc etc, she knows)

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Liked it or hated it? Want to read more? You know what to do, just leave me a review :)

A.N: to the 'guest' that left the review of the last chapter, if you really have so many issues with this story then feel free to stop reading it. Your review was so rude I had to remove it. Please just remember that the authors here all write for fun and are not professional writers, so hateful comments are not appreciated and are not welcome on this site.

1mcswarek


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